The Horror Nerd’s Complete Guide to Dating

Hey there, Horror Nerd! I’m here to help you swap sad and creepy for charming and charismatic. This guide is your new life bible, so finish your microwave dinner (with your latest blow-up doll) and let’s get to work…

Interacting with Strangers

A smile goes a long way!
A smile like this will melt hearts!

Before we get into the deep-end and talk about women, you need to be comfortable in social environments.

A smile goes a long way. Sure, maybe your face is melted and you look like a nightmare version of the scarecrow out of The Wizard of Oz, but that’s no reason to not show off your pearly yellows. I know that inside you’re a morose and complex human being who would rather watch a hanging than hang out, but you’ve got to fake it ’til you make it!

If you see an old man walking his dog, shoot him a smile! Imagine the man’s Afghan Hound slaughtered and puppeted around like an animal-loving Weekend at Bernie’s if that’s what you need. Do whatever it takes to get sunlight on those gums.

The First Date

Once you’ve mastered the smile, it’s time to take things to the next level!

In this day and age, dates are made with the swipe of a finger, but the first meeting is the key to your future success. First impressions are everything, so if it takes you delving into your memory to remember the old man’s dead dog to smile… dig deep!

Taking a girl out for a nice meal is a great option. There’s time to talk and get to know each other, just avoid modeling it around the dinner scene from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and you should be golden.

Having a sense of humor and wit is a definite bonus, but keep things within her realm of knowledge. Asking a girl if she thinks Freddy Krueger’s favourite band is REM might fall flat. If she has to Google your witty remarks to make sense of them… they’re probably not going to get you very far.

Sex

Horror Nerd - Every Girl's Fantasy
Do people still buy those blow-up pillows?

You’ve seen it in the movies and sex looks pretty fun, right?

If you’ve been living your life according to the horror nerd gospel, it’s just a matter of time before things get steamier than an 80’s slasher… right before the killer takes his first prey.

Here are a few pointers to make sure things go smoothly:

When it comes to foreplay, a girl likes to take her time. Giving her a crucifix and asking her to ‘get her Regan MacNeil on‘ will almost certainly kill the mood.

Experimentation is good, but it’s probably best left until the second or third sexual encounter before you’re suggesting a new position you’ve invented called The Human Centipede. More power to you if you convince her to go along with it, but always be courteous – make sure you have plenty of mouthwash on-hand.

If you’re lucky enough, some girls like to add a little spice to the bedroom… just keep in mind that if Ed Gein did something at one point, it’s probably off the table. Like The Human Centipede, the American Horror Story Rubberman outfit is a second or third time kind of thing.

Horror Nerd Graduation

You’ve done it! You are now a horror nerd who exudes charisma and sex appeal. Congratulations! Head on over to Twitter @AceConnell and let me know how you get on. No Human Centipede pictures, please!